I've discovered what kind of feminist I am, finally. I'm a Kacelnikist, the central tenet of which is that patriarchy is the enemy, not other genders:
It’s patriarchy that says men are stupid and monolithic and unchanging and incapable. It’s patriarchy that says men have animalistic instincts and just can’t stop themselves from harassing and assaulting. It’s patriarchy that says men can only be attracted by certain qualities, can only have particular kinds of responses, can only experience the world in narrow ways. Feminism holds that men are capable of more – are more than that.So fight the power, my brothers.
For a long time I felt this way... Feminism was nothing if not idealistic, suggesting that men are capable, men are victims of brainwashing just like women, men can be better. But lately I've felt hopeless and depressed. I feel like the SCUM Manifesto got it right. Men are too damaged and not capable of the empathy required to see women as human beings. The disrespect, the misogyny, the talking about their sexual preferences in my presence (and their porn habits, and their favourite tricks for manipulating women)... men see women as pieces of meat. They CAN stop themselves, but they don't seem to want to. At all. They will usually say so themselves if you dare to bring up feminism or gender as a topic.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I've been particularly unlucky in my experiences, but I've not yet found men who prove a real exception to this. Even the men who are fairly smart and open-minded, still have trouble understanding why 'bitch' is a sexist slur. And make a 'humorless feminist' joke to try and lighten the mood. Because it's my poor sense of humor that stops me from laughing at 'women are bitchez' jokes. How much do I want to believe that equality between the sexes is still within our reach? These days all I get from every damned direction is that men don't care, and men won't stop. Logically, they are humanly capable. So why does the oppression and misogyny never cease? Logic alone would tell them women exist for more than reproduction.
Not just to rant or to bring you down; I'd like to hear what you think of this. As a feminist I imagine you've hit the wall as hard as I have. How do you justify your hope?
Of course men don't *want* to change; that's how patriarchy perpetuates. It's the same slave system that keeps women performing femininity -- there's a reward for the participants to continue their masculine behavior. Namely, sexual gratification, money and power.
DeleteNo entrenched power structure changes from within. As long as the above reward system remains part of patriarchy, there will be vast swathes of men who will trade their souls for it. Hell, if I was a man, I might be one of them.
I think that might be where my view of patriarchy as an equal-opportunity oppression originates -- in my knowledge of myself as susceptible to unethical persuasions. That is, I think it's part of the human condition to crave those id gratifications, and I can understand those who fall prey to it.
That's not to say that I nod and smile when another man I thought I liked laughs at a bitchez joke. What it means, to me, is that destroying patriarchy is a bigger job of liberation than we think it is; that passing laws and having marches isn't going to do the trick. The only way patriarchy is going to change is if men truly look within themselves and realize how soul-killing it is, and that's something most human beings just aren't capable of.
So, I guess you could say that, rather than being hopeful, I've achieved the internal peace that comes with having given up all hope. Because the majority of people are susceptible to id gratification and lack the ability to self-examine, systems like patriarchy will always be with us.
With that mindset, every person that steps partially or wholly out of the system catches my attention, and some of them are men.
If you know your actions are harming people, but you don't care and don't find it necessary to change, what hope is there for you?
DeleteAlthough patriarchy is perpetuated by men and women, women are also the ones getting the short end of the stick, so at least some of them see and acknowledge the problem. If men see it, they certainly won't acknowledge it. If they do, they only acknowledge the part they aren't personally taking advantage of. Even then they don't seem compelled to change, and out comes the cop-out argument, "That's just the way it is."
Here is where the limit of my 'understanding' comes in, in the sense of compassion. Part of the human condition is to crave id gratification? Fine. But then why can I control myself and my id and so many others blame 'being human' on their lack of willpower? Why don't I take pleasure at the expense of others? Where does it stop being human condition and just a fuckload of brainwashing and selfishness? I easily understand why people do the things they do. I just don't understand why they can't see what they're doing is wrong, no matter how clearly it is explained to them. I don't understand why they don't care if people suffer, as long as they enjoy themselves RIGHT NOW. I don't think any person who doesn't understand this can claim to be reasonable, rational, or logical.
I definitely agree that laws and marches alone won't do the trick. They are superficial changes on top of a deeply ingrained mindset. But if we are all within it, we can only change it from within, no? And men do need to be a part of that, unless we go the SCUM route. But then, "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If they don't want to give up their domination so that the other half of the population isn't forced into the submission role they wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, what are the chances for a happy, equal life? My personal mantra is go big or go home, so I'm not one to much appreciate the little, itty bitty partial efforts. I see it as half-assing. "I think women should have rights... as long as it doesn't stop me from enjoying my objectification of them when I feel like it!" Those are the men that disappointed me, and those are the good ones.
It *is* soul-killing :-(. The suffering is all so pointless. I understand the route you've taken and am similarly trying to make peace - it's probably the best thing to do for personal wellbeing. But it's hard. And so unfair! "Life's not fair" isn't a good enough excuse for this injustice! Because it's not life, it's people, and they're making a choice!
I don't know why so many people choose soul-killing self-gratification over the more ethical course, either, but I do think it's part of the system to make the first choice seem like the "right" one. There's really no reward in our culture for being thoughtful or self-reflective -- in fact, people who are interested in their own psyches are often ostracized as weirdos, up their own ass, touchy-feely hippy mental cases (ask me how I know this).
DeleteHaving compassion for the people caught up in patriarchy doesn't mean condoning what they do; in fact, true compassion, I think, involves bringing them to the trough as often as I can stand it without sacrificing my own sanity.
I think what you're really asking is: what do we, as a species, do with these patriarchs who simply won't give it the fuck up? Which, I have no idea. I don't think that a society without men would automatically be any less oppressive than the one we have now -- the oppressions would just be different ones.
Thanks Minerva :-). I appreciate you talking through this with me. I've been at my wits' end lately trying to understand how to live and function in this society. I've been an ostracized weirdo m'whole life so I hear ya! Easier to take the social distancing, I guess, when you're used to it. But lately I've reached a point where I think men really are a problem in themselves, which is why I thought I'd break my lurking pattern and ask you about this men-can-still-be-saved stuff. I've not met one man who's proven himself half as understanding or empathetic as the women I look up to, and am tired of explaining to my male colleagues why I find their disrespectful treatment/jokes/actions intolerable, to no understanding. I've been trying to pull away from that, too, being goaded into educating those who only want an argument rather than an opportunity to grow. Have to protect sanity, indeed.
DeleteBy the way, I'm a new lurker on Twisty's site and found my way here from there; I just wanted to tell you I've enjoyed your posts there and I've started reading your writings here, very interesting stuff! And your stories. The Gift got me glum, but Fenway cheered me right up. Quite an ending.
Ah, good old Twisty. I love her.
DeleteI should probably admit that I'm fortunate enough to be a sole proprietor, so I don't have to ford the River Patriarchy as often as most working women do, and my circumstances are such that I can "rise above" a lot of shit that other people can't -- I'm aware of being privileged in that sense. As the years wear on, I find myself dropping out of more and more "normal society" things, and missing them less and less. This greatly lessens the impact of patriarchy on me personally, but as you point out, it doesn't do much for the Revolution.
Thanks for your kind words on my writing -- I'm currently trying to get my first book published, which grew out of my own frustration with the endless sexist tropes of modern crime fiction. It ain't gonna single-handedly dismantle the patriarchy, but I hope it'll at least be something that feminists won't want to throw across the room.
That's very exciting! Good luck! I'll look forward to reading it when it comes out. It's been a while since I was able to enjoy crime fiction. The world definitely needs more books that feminists can read without trembling with rage!
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